I had a breakdown yesterday .. a pretty severe one. Some one was hurt! I was trying to pull myself together , but I couldn't. I had to explode and take it out on some poor creature. You know when people say that delicate things break easily?! and that sensitive people are the ones who always make whoppers ?? I make this folk wisdom sure as hell to the whole universe on a regular basis. Anyways , needless to say how stressful and exhausting my week was , and I am tired .. no no .. tired doesn't even begin to describe my situation. Consumed .. Wrung out , maybe?
I left school at 11:00 A.M , and I headed to the university to fill in my other role. I cried all the way in the car .. and even in my class , I couldn't hold myself back , so I took permission to leave. I had one of those uncontrollable urges of shouting all aloud till the whole world hears it. I needed someone to hug me soo hard and suck out all the anger and frustration I felt. I thought of mum , but really calling her at that time is not really wise !
I took off to my mentor's office .. Dr.Hayat , and al7amdu li Allah she was there. There was also Dr.Amna .. Dr.Hayat's friend and an old friend of my mother's. I had a great pep talk and a really stimulating conversation of the two. Dr.Hayat is perfect .. I LOVE her .. for everything she has .. but mostly because I'm so much like her. Dr.Hayat is Utopian , passionate , a very devoted lady , and a real hard worker. I make a perfect match , and I knew no one would help me get through this like she would.
I spent the whole day pondering , and as weird as it might sound .. I came up with the same conclusion. I apologize for myself .. Sorry for knowing that life is a mess .. and knowing it's not a Utopia .... but rather a jungle and still believing I can make it a better place. I'm terribly sorry for believing that people are treating me well and smiling to my face because I somehow happen to deserve it !? Sorry for forgetting that no matter how much good you've done .. you are counted for your smallest mistake. I'm achingly regretful to the hopes I got up and for my heart that's been mushed like a potato !!!!
... life !
BUT still .. being me .. playing my role perfectly , fulfilling my duty , and trying to honor my ethical obligations are what I will NEVER be sorry for ....