Wednesday, 15 December 2010

What I'm Sorry For ..


I had a breakdown yesterday .. a pretty severe one. Some one was hurt! I was trying to pull myself together , but I couldn't. I had to explode and take it out on some poor creature. You know when people say that delicate things break easily?! and that sensitive people are the ones who always make whoppers ?? I make this folk wisdom sure as hell to the whole universe on a regular basis. Anyways , needless to say how stressful and exhausting my week was , and I am tired .. no no .. tired doesn't even begin to describe my situation. Consumed .. Wrung out , maybe?

I left school at 11:00 A.M , and I headed to the university to fill in my other role. I cried all the way in the car .. and even in my class , I couldn't hold myself back , so I took permission to leave. I had one of those uncontrollable urges of shouting all aloud till the whole world hears it. I needed someone to hug me soo hard and suck out all the anger and frustration I felt. I thought of mum , but really calling her at that time is not really wise !

I took off to my mentor's office .. Dr.Hayat , and al7amdu li Allah she was there. There was also Dr.Amna .. Dr.Hayat's friend and an old friend of my mother's. I had a great pep talk and a really stimulating conversation of the two. Dr.Hayat is perfect .. I LOVE her .. for everything she has .. but mostly because I'm so much like her. Dr.Hayat is Utopian , passionate , a very devoted lady , and a real hard worker. I make a perfect match , and I knew no one would help me get through this like she would.

I spent the whole day pondering , and as weird as it might sound .. I came up with the same conclusion. I apologize for myself .. Sorry for knowing that life is a mess .. and knowing it's not a Utopia .... but rather a jungle and still believing I can make it a better place. I'm terribly sorry for believing that people are treating me well and smiling to my face because I somehow happen to deserve it !? Sorry for forgetting that no matter how much good you've done .. you are counted for your smallest mistake. I'm achingly regretful to the hopes I got up and for my heart that's been mushed like a potato !!!!

... life !

BUT still .. being me .. playing my role perfectly , fulfilling my duty , and trying to honor my ethical obligations are what I will NEVER be sorry for ....

11 comments:

UmmUmarNY said...

MashaAllah Abrar... you sound like a truly remarkable person! I wish I lived closer to keep in your company. Hang in there! ..from what I've read by now here in your 'little corner of the world' you are very young.. and what you experienced is just a glimpse at what real life is! Moments like this will be with you forever.. so InshaAllah with every 'fall' you'll learn how to get up quicker.. and stronger!! Trust in Allah!! He(swt)is, after all, All Just.. All Aware!! :D

IamFarsilla said...

uztazah i hope u will b fine n manage to get tru with ur break down. :(
ur lucky u hve an adult to talk too.inshaallah everything will be fine

Silla

Abrar said...

Um Umar ,
That's what counts .. that I learn a lesson , and insha'Allah I will get up soon Stronger ya rab :)

You have no idea how greateful I am to you , sister! and despite all the distance between us .. your words are always here :***

My Silla ,
Thank you sweetheart. I sound like a big ass drama queen , don't I ?
I miss you wallahi xoxo

Abrar

it's me said...

Out of life's school "What does not destroy me, makes me stronger."
this week was overtired, but we should be strong deer. fighting

Abrar said...

Manno ,
I don't think I'm gonna fight any more , 5la9 I'm done!!! I just hope I get up from this one a strong person , and learn a lesson ..
Sorry for what I did dear T__T
Hope you're feeling better ??

*Hugs*

Asmaa said...

hi bro ,
be strong my dear ,,

Anonymous said...

that's why u were cring ! , u know when we saw u we were sad really
every girl was says why she is cring
i wanted to talk to u but u looked
so ungry :S i said that i will talk to u onther day but that day u were gd thak god :)
with love sausan

Abrar said...

Kind of .. yeah , Sausan! :$
GOD did every body know I cried .. it's so embarrasing :s

ŚσǾσŚ said...

yea ,but we were sad an we said t

أية عجمي said...

allah, that's very beautiful passage, but I feel you talking about your friend or the person that you feel you can tell him\her all your secrets, so every one have to search about this person maybe he\she near of you but you don't feel that.
And it will be big problem to both.
Please accept my opinion miss, that happening to me.
{ I was don't know, you are very romanticist }

Abrar said...

I so freakin' am , Ayah ;)